7 Habits of Highly Effective Mattopians

LATE EDITION - Thursday - 1 January U2004 ----------------------------------For What It's Worth

Good Guy Wins; Reality Gets Butt Kicked

"I will begin again."
- New Year's Day, U2

MATTHATTAN (MBC) - From the bustling twin cities of Matteapolis/St. Matt to the quiet village of Mattadishu, citizens are celebrating the liberation of the People's Republic of Mattopia.

It’s been called “The Great 4-or-5-Year-ish War Against Reality,” a situation of tumult and tension that began percolating in the boiler room of corporate accounting in the late 1990s.

“Yes, it was long and grueling,” Mattimus said, “but the war with reality ultimately turned into a catastrophic success. I only wish I had kept track of the number of rèsumès sent and also the incredible number of MattHours gobbled up.”

Now entirely removed from financial subjects and J.D. Edwards software, the air is a little easier to breathe in Mattopia. OK, that is also due in part to tighter emission controls, but that’s another story.

Nonetheless, all is not settled and there’s plenty of work to be done to make the right future happen. Things are simply moving back on track.

"Hard times, baby, well they come to us all.
Sure as the tickin' of the clock on the wall.
Sure as the turnin' of the night into day...
I'm waitin', waitin' on a sunny day.
Gonna chase the clouds away.
Waitin' on a sunny day."
- Waitin' on a Sunny Day,
Bruce Springsteen

Breaking It Down: The Five Stages of Megalomania

	Dreaming out loud starts at an early age. Every genius naps. All it takes is a napkin (after all, that's why they call it "napping") and a good, solid kitchen floor.
	Wide-eyed, happy, and bursting with dreams of world domination.
	Huh? You tawkin' ta me? A couple years later, the war with reality is taking its toll... Pale, bewildered, war weary, and in the midst of a 4-month haircut boycott.
	Gettin' the swagger back at the House That Rock Built. "I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony."
	The Mattrix reloaded and ready, ready for what's next.

Photos courtesy of the Mattsonian Museum of Mattopian History,
Henry Jones, Jr., Curator

"I've got big ideas, I'm out of control.
Boys and girls
Go to the school and girls
They make children not like this one."
- Out of Control, U2 Go Home: Live from Slane Castle

“I took more than my share of lumps in 2003,” Mattimus said, “but that’s OK. I survived. It’s 2004 now and I still seem to have my sense of humor.” He’s coy, though, about discussing his relationship with Beyoncé and any inspiration he might have provided for the Destiny’s Child ditty, Survivor.

The best revenge is a life well-lived and with that in mind, Job One in 2004 will be to obtain a large serving of such revenge. To that end, Mattimus now finds himself in a situation where the under-funded status of MATTAID has been recognized and addressed.

The new funds are already being pumped into rebuilding the tattered Mattopian infrastructure. Indeed, it was an incredible sight to witness the emergency drop shipments of Ramen, prime rib, and Guinness falling from the sky, accompanied by a barrage of Mattopian Soul Tracts wafting down to the ground.

With those relief shipments in place, efforts are underway to regain the 12 pounds Mattimus lost amid the turmoil of 2003.

“The new job is a breather while I plod on toward my dreams and satisfy my passions,” Mattimus said. “I have life, I’ve regained a fair amount of liberty, now it’s time to resume that fabled pursuit of happiness.”

It is true that Mattimus still hasn’t found what he’s looking for. But Mattimus has never had a “normal” life and he probably wouldn’t know what to do with it if he had one. A feasibility study conducted by the Mattopian Union confirmed that a “normal” life is highly unlikely.

It’s only fitting, then, that the accolades for this “life strategist” keep pouring in. MattLife magazine named him 2003’s Sexiest Matt Alive. He graced TimeWarped magazine’s cover as Matt of the Year. He was also declared the Most Eligible Bachelor in Mattopian Nomad.

All of these accolades are nice, but Mattimus is hardly one to rust on his laurels.

As has been reported many times in the past, you can't keep a good Matt down. Even so, attempts to do just that have escalated dramatically over the past few years.

Nonetheless, those evil factions have been relegated to obscurity as mere footnotes in the Mattopian history books even as the Mattopian Empire enjoys renewed strength and determination.

Adding to the strain of 2003 were challenges on the home front, with the parental units taking on the evil of a major HMO. It was a challenge for which Mattimus was unprepared.

Coupled with an unpredictable lifestyle that amounted to little more than a perpetual life on call, Mattimus was forced to relinquish most of the control of his life. Naturally, that did not sit well with him.

Read more inside:

New Year's Day Horoscope

Mike and Ike's: An Essay

Buoyed by the heart-soaring experience of interviewing Valeria Golino and a successful swagger-finding mission to Cleveland, Mattimus regrouped and unleashed a tremendous campaign of shock and awe.

“While I’ve said this before,” Mattimus asserted, “I need to remind people that even though I've been known to gripe and bitch and moan a lot, it's done in the name of making things better. Besides, I am the only person on this planet who has to deal with me 24/7. Believe me, there have been times when I've almost kicked myself out of the house after getting on my own nerves!”

Then there was a quiet moment of reflection followed by, “I take the quality of my life seriously. That's all.”

The much-heralded PT Cruiser is doing its part in redefining the Mattopian lifestyle. “Washing the Cruiser takes care of two needs, one of them being a clean, sleek, curvy exterior, the other being…” Mattimus paused. “Well… uhh… never mind.”

Looking to the bright future, the Great Mattopian Screenplay is being toyed with once again. It’s a perpetual happy thought to have in the back pocket and it keeps the mind occupied during the new commute.

The PRM’s official Web site is also looking forward to more creative spurts in the coming year. The goal is more relevance in the wacky World Wide Web.

If all else fails, a Flake Out plan is in place. After all, the circus is coming back to town and Mattimus is too smart to put all his eggs in one basket. Diversification is in full swing and he will not be pigeon-holed.

The last few weeks of 2003 ended with a relatively restful and stress-free pace, finding Mattimus at his most relaxed since the legendary coffee shops of Amsterdam. The change in pace has afforded him the opportunity to once again think big and dream out loud. After a year dominated by uncertainty and personal despair, Mattimus is very pleased to once again see that anything is possible and nothing is written.

It can now be said with a great degree of certainty: The best is yet to come. Hope always springs eternal in Mattopia; Mattimus is not sure why that’s the case, but he’s glad it is.

With 2003 officially in the past, where it belongs, it’s now time for Mattimus to live smarter and smile more.

Mattimus is also hoping to catch up with The Hype a couple times during their upcoming tour and once again visit far-flung locations.

With those happy thoughts, he finally cracked a smile and said, “Now... bring me that horizon.”

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